and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
