Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
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