Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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