we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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