I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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