im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
