It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
