he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
