this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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