WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
