I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
