I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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