Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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