I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
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I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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