This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
