im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
