I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
