I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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