hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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