life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
