Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
