textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
