you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
