dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
