I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
