i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
