I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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