so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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