There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
