Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
