I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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