sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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