I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
