Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
