It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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