my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
