I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel like death gave me a hand job
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
