i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
