Jerry, you need to find god
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
