hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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