i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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