If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
