i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
