I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
