he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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