you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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