Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
