sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
