Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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