I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
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Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
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We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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