Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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