My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Vodka?
Forever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
