I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
