last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
