We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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