Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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