We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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