I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
