the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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