today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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