Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
