I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
A bitchslap is in order.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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